Assert ownership over the podium

As an American of Canadian descent, I was amused by the Canadian Olympic team's "Own the Podium" campaign because it reminded me of a onetime editor of mine who used to state a subject area and then say, "We own it," and then state another subject area and say, "We own it," again and again. It occurred to me then and it recurs to me now that simply claiming mastery of a subject does not make one a master of that subject. Anyone who has watched "The Karate Kid" knows this. Work (and, for dramatic purposes, sublimation of competing priorities and character flaws) is involved.

Credit where it's due: the U.S. actually does own the podium, and I'm tired of watching other countries get credit for our medals simply because the athlete likes his grandmother's old-world cooking. I propose a change in the medal-awarding rules. From now on the medal goes to the U.S. if:

• The athlete trains in the U.S.
• The athlete went to college in the U.S.
• The athlete presently goes to college in the U.S.
• The athlete has applied to college in the U.S.
• The athlete's coach is American.
• The athlete has ever been approved for a multiple-entry visa to the U.S.
• The athlete comes from a country whose cuisine is served at at least two restaurants in the United States (exclusive of New York City and Washington, D.C.).
• The athlete comes from a country that adopted our way of life after we beat them in a war.
• The athlete can speak English with any accent other than British.

Better yet, let's do away with nationalities at the Olympics. We'll have to find some other taxonomic tactic (milk chocolate lovers vs dark chocolate? magic sorting hat, a la Hogwarts? great taste/less filling?) and we'll miss all those pretty flags, but at last the Games will be about human versus human, not country versus country, which is probably what they should have been about from the beginning.