Saturday, October 24, 2009

Citizen initiatives

Now that I'm a citizen, I can vote on citizen initiatives. (Ironic side note: you don't have to be a citizen to initiate an initiative, do you?) Whether the stated subject is property taxes, medical marijuana, UFOlogy, gay marriage or impounding the cars of illegal aliens, the real subject is always the same: those yuckleheads in the legislature have forgotten what common sense is all about, so I'm gonna show 'em!

Here, then, are the propositions on which I'd like to see balloting. All of them aim to bring sanity and stability to a crazy, mixed-up world. That's all.
  • Supermarkets shall be required to all have the same layout, so you can find what you want.
  • Audiences at student performances shall be required to give a standing ovation.
  • Audiences at professional performances shall be prohibited from giving a standing ovation just because they're not sure what to do and they have to stand up to get to the parking lot anyway.
  • At any public forum or meeting, asking the question that has just been answered is grounds for ejection.
  • Feigning spontaneity in your voice when recording a robo-call during election season (as in, "Oh! Uh... ha ha! Um, hi! John Hickenlooper here") shall be grounds for recall.
  • Everyone shall start driving a hybrid, starting this very second.
  • Any statute barring the launching of a projectile at a cyclist is hereby amended to permit the launching of a projectile if said projectile is a wad of money.
  • The sale of a wireless router with an install disk that messes up your system and doesn't install a damn thing, causing you to waste half a day on the phone with tech support, shall henceforth be the highest law-enforcement priority of the Denver Police Department.
  • All postseason baseball games shall be shown on free, over-the-air broadcast TV.
  • Boston Red Sox paraphernalia shall be considered pornography under local statutes and thus subject to prosecution at the discretion of the district attorney.
I'm sure I'll think of more. Meantime, here's a tip for anyone who opposes a ballot initiative: don't bother running a "no" campaign. Next election cycle, just run another initiative that says the exact opposite, then watch the judicial system convulse like an Isaac Asimov robot given contradictory instructions.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

My next interview

At my most recent job interview they asked me what my weaknesses are and LIKE AN IDIOT, I told them. Everything the outplacement firm tried to teach me about rehearsing for these softball questions flew out of my head and was replaced with the last thing anybody wants to hear in an interview: sincerity.

Here's how I intend things to go next time I am hit with the scripted questions we have all heard and should all be able to answer in our sleep:

Them: Tell us about yourself.

Me: I'm extremely good at what I do. I'm communicative, collaborative and efficient.

Them: What are your strengths?

Me: I'm extremely good at what I do. I'm communicative, collaborative and efficient.

Them: We have half an hour. Would you like to add something?

Me: I could, but I'd merely be restating what I've already said. I respect my colleagues' and clients' time too much to waste it, which is why I mentioned that efficiency is one of my strengths.

Them: What are your weaknesses?

Me: I regret that I never mastered the French language.

Them: There must be something else.

Me: Well... if you must know... sometimes I have trouble deciding when to use "that" and when to use "which" as a pronoun.

Them: Thank you for coming in. Do you have any questions for us?

Me: Yes. Would you all please tell me your weaknesses now? We have nearly half an hour.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

One lesson to take away, please

I've been in this situation before: Questioning a Web site that makes investment claims that can't be true, then being blamed for disrupting a test. The purported investment company in that case actually named me by name as the villain in their consent decree with the Securities and Exchange Commission. By the time the SEC got done shutting them down, a principle that most of us now take for granted had been established: publication of an investment offer on the Web is publication, and you can't claim the right to a do-over merely because current technology makes it possible to do so.

The take-away from the exchange below? Language matters, and organizations assume immense risk going live without adequate forethought.

For those of us in the communications field, the recession isn't ending; it seems merely to be beginning. Anecdotal evidence I'm collecting from colleagues, and certainly from my own job-hunting experience, is that us word guys are still being cut. "They seem to assume the public will just figure out what they're talking about," a colleague who has lost several clients in recent weeks told me yesterday.

The effort it takes to thoroughly edit a Web site doesn't seem steep considering the verbal discovery process that happens in editing could keep someone in the public's esteem, and maybe even out of jail.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

An ungood idea

Mandatory service projects at high schools bend the meaning of voluntarism (aka volunteerism) as far or farther than it should ever have to go. Now an Arvada company is advertising on Craigslist what it calls -- apparently with no satiric intent -- "a paid volunteer program."

Unraffle.com first got my guard up because it's littered with so many typos it resembles a Nigerian scam letter. The company is described, for example, as being a "social-entrepranurial" venture. I can't imagine any actual entrepreneur, no matter how bad a typist, allowing a mistake like that to go live.

Bad spelling is no crime, of course. Soliciting funds on behalf of charities and neglecting to mention it to the charities, on the other hand -- well, that depends whether the money gets where it's supposed to go. Several charities are listed on Unraffle.com as being recipients of funds generated through the purchase of electronic "unraffle" tickets. Two of them are associated with Denver public schools, which particularly caught my interest: the DCIS Foundation, which supports the Denver Center for International Studies, a secondary school, and Art for Edison, which supports Edison Elementary School. Randy Thomae of Art for Edison told me by e-mail Saturday:
I had never heard of Unraffle. I just googled them, and was quite surprised to see our name listed there. We have no affiliation whatsoever. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.
Jonathan Sandberg, Unraffle's founder, replied to an e-mail inquiry late Saturday that Unraffle is merely in beta test and has not yet collected any funds. If and when it ever does, he pointed out, charities don't need to give prior permission to receive support. (True enough, though using logos without permission seems, at the very least, unbusinesslike, as charities need to control their intellectual property just like for-profits do.) As for the charities that appear currently on the site as grantees, he wrote, "we featured a few local and non-local charities that we love and respect and would like to support/raise money for, in order to ascertain the depth of interest in our project."

If Unraffle is a beta, it's an extraordinarily slow one, since the site says "copyright 2001-2009." Perhaps a distinction needs to be made between the "paid volunteer" program and Unraffle itself. In the Craigslist ad, it's the "paid volunteer" program that is said to be in beta; Unraffle is portrayed as a going concern. My conclusion was that Unraffle has been selling unraffle tickets on behalf of charities since 2001, and that the October 2009 innovation is the "paid volunteer" program, though Sandberg tells me I'm mistaken. How, then, to explain language on the site that uses tenses other than the future, e.g., "Part one and two of the Unraffle.com mission has always been to be effective in raising money for our causes while uncompromisingly nurturing and supporting our paid volunteers"? Indeed, Sandberg tells me he already has "personally made" around $238,000 this way.

The application for the "paid volunteer" program describes an online, multilevel marketing arrangement in which "associates" earn 16.5% commission on the sale of unraffle tickets (it's actually now 30%, Sandberg said) and "directors" also earn 16.5% of their associates' sales. Here, in about the middle of the fine print, is the key to the whole thing:
In order to be accepted into the program, directors are required to pay a $250 set up fee and a $150 monthly membership fee.
In our e-mail exchange, Sandberg asserted that "Unraffle.com is a social venture project that donates 100% of its revenues to charitable causes." When I pointed out that it's not possible to subtract anything from something and be left with everything, he offered this correction:
In my haste to respond to your email I neglected to say "net" revenues in my reply. As stated on the site, "Unraffle.com donates 100% of it's earnings to charitable causes." I'll let you look up the definition of earnings and "Social Venture" but because we are a for-profit business we can really distribute profits as we see fit. It is just our decision to donate 100% of earnings to charitable causes.
Profits, earnings, revenues... if the company's founder can't keep them straight, what is the likelihood that Unraffle's associates and directors will relay accurate information to purchasers of unraffle tickets? Once you start throwing around a figure like "100%" in the context of charitable fundraising, you're almost automatically being dishonest with donors. As someone who has made a decent living as overhead, and hopes to again, I am certainly in favor of a professional model, which holds that fairly compensating fundraisers and administrators makes it possible to deliver charitable services more efficiently and effectively than would be possible with volunteers alone.

If Unraffle can do well by doing good, or even do a little good by doing well -- well, that's well and good! Perhaps Unraffle is no more a scam than those police and firefighters' benevolent associations that have been targeted by journalists for having outrageously high fundraising costs. Being bad at what you do isn't against the law.

Bear in mind, however, that there is no such thing as paid voluntarism. Paying for the privilege of raising charitable donations in hopes of a big personal payoff strikes me as an awfully ungood idea.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Look for the union label. You're getting colder. Colder. Frosty. Frigid. Downright Kelvinian...

See anything wrong with this shirt? I'm not referring to the fact that I got an Ainsley collar when I'm quite sure I asked for forward points, but to the fact that a Malaysian-made shirt was put in a bag claiming U.S., union-made provenance. (It's hard to see with the quality of camera available to me but the label says MADE IN MALAYSIA while the bag says MADE IN USA/UNION OF NEEDLETRADES, INDUSTRIAL AND TEXTILE EMPLOYEES, AFL-CIO-CLC.)

UNITE HERE -- the successor to the Union of Needletrades, Industrial, and Textile Employees, or UNITE -- claims on its Web site that Brooks Brothers offers union-made shirts, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Whether we unite here, unite there, unite now or unite some other time, can we at least get our labeling straight?

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Pay! Play!

The Wall Street Journal reports today that the Federal Trade Commission is getting serious about forcing bloggers who receive gifts in exchange for coverage of products and services to disclose such relationships.

About time, say we at THE GESTURE! In keeping with the FTC's laudable spirit of openness, we now reveal our policies on trading gifts for coverage:

1) At no time has any manufacturer, retailer or service provider ever approached THE GESTURE about exchanging gifts for coverage.

2) At no time has THE GESTURE ever approached anybody about initiating such a relationship.

3) We feel really, really stupid for not coming up with this clever idea on our own, as we would like very much to receive gifts.

4) To facilitate such relationships going forward, we have created an Amazon Wish List. Click here to view it. We will update it frequently, so check back often for something in your price range! Include a gift note saying what you would like THE GESTURE to say about the product, or giving us permission to write our own review. Rest assured, our relationship will be fully disclosed, in extraordinarily laudatory terms.

5) E-mail us if your proposed gift is a service that can't be handled by Amazon. Ideas include but are by no means limited to massages, meals, pet grooming, and graphic design.

Thanks for playing!

Friday, October 2, 2009

An article about articles

A flyer arrived at the house today for "a new Jewish resource" (sorry to poke holes, and fun, so quickly, but should we not give the old Jewish resources a try first?) that is described as "an initiative of Rose Community Foundation." I was reminded of the time I had my head handed to me by a representative of said Foundation for referring to the Rose Community Foundation.

Because it's not the Rose Community Foundation. It's Rose Community Foundation. Rose Community Foundation. Not the Rose Community Foundation. Rose Community Foundation.

See the difference? Or should I say: see difference?

Just as people named Andrea are free to insist they actually are named Ahhhhhnnn-DRAAAAY-aaaaaah if they choose, organizations are free to call themselves whatever they wish. (Within reason; Peaberry's may not call itself Starbucks even though it seems to wish it could.) This may be a slightly subversive suggestion coming from someone who takes words and identities as seriously as I do, BUT can it be possible for branding to go just a smidge too far? As long as the checks clear, should any of the charities that the Foundation supports really care whether the word Rose is preceded by the word the?

A similar battle brews at one of my former workplaces. I participated, as marketing director, in a long, lively, and extremely thoughtful rebranding process that resulted in the Mizel Center for Arts and Culture metamorphosing into the Mizel Arts and Culture Center. That's right, it took a year of sweat and tears (and very nearly blood) to turn MCAC into MACC.

My successor doesn't want to stop there: she wants to banish "the" from the name, written or spoken, so that one can refer to, for example, "kids' art classes here at MACC" but not "kids' art classes here at the MACC."

Part of the appeal of "MACC" is that it's pronouncable, like a name. MACC can thus be said to do lots and lots of things, even to have a personality, and this could be a useful characteristic to exploit in future campaigns. But is it really a marketer's proper role to go around being the the police?

In multilingual lands, where a lowly "de" can cause a mighty "el" or "le" to quiver and fall like a leaf at Thanksgiving, learning when articles can be lived without is one of the many small accommodations people -- even marketers -- make to reach one another. Could we not do same?