Citizen initiatives

Now that I'm a citizen, I can vote on citizen initiatives. (Ironic side note: you don't have to be a citizen to initiate an initiative, do you?) Whether the stated subject is property taxes, medical marijuana, UFOlogy, gay marriage or impounding the cars of illegal aliens, the real subject is always the same: those yuckleheads in the legislature have forgotten what common sense is all about, so I'm gonna show 'em!

Here, then, are the propositions on which I'd like to see balloting. All of them aim to bring sanity and stability to a crazy, mixed-up world. That's all.

• Supermarkets shall be required to all have the same layout, so you can find what you want.
• Audiences at student performances shall be required to give a standing ovation.
• Audiences at professional performances shall be prohibited from giving a standing ovation just because they're not sure what to do and they have to stand up to get to the parking lot anyway.
• At any public forum or meeting, asking the question that has just been answered is grounds for ejection.
• Feigning spontaneity in your voice when recording a robo-call during election season (as in, "Oh! Uh... ha ha! Um, hi! John Hickenlooper here") shall be grounds for recall.
• Everyone shall start driving a hybrid, starting this very second.
• Any statute barring the launching of a projectile at a cyclist is hereby amended to permit the launching of a projectile if said projectile is a wad of money.
• The sale of a wireless router with an install disk that messes up your system and doesn't install a damn thing, causing you to waste half a day on the phone with tech support, shall henceforth be the highest law-enforcement priority of the Denver Police Department.
• All postseason baseball games shall be shown on free, over-the-air broadcast TV.
• Boston Red Sox paraphernalia shall be considered pornography under local statutes and thus subject to prosecution at the discretion of the district attorney.

I'm sure I'll think of more. Meantime, here's a tip for anyone who opposes a ballot initiative: don't bother running a "no" campaign. Next election cycle, just run another initiative that says the exact opposite, then watch the judicial system convulse like an Isaac Asimov robot given contradictory instructions.